Hero in the Rye: Zelda, Salinger Style
by TempleMaster17
Summary: Rated R for language. It's a parody of Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, which should explain it well enough to anyone who's read the book. I'm actually quite proud of this, so please deign to give me a little feedback.


Heh heh I have returned.  This fic is a little more explicit in terms of language than I usually like to write, but that's because this is a parody of _Catcher in the Rye_ by J.D. Salinger- if you're not familiar with the book, basically every other word is "goddam."  Anyway, anyone who's read Catcher in the Rye should get a kick out of this.  Anyone who hasn't may or may not....

The Hero in the Rye-- Ocarina of Time Salinger Style

~Disclaimer:  I don't own Zelda or any of Salinger's works.  Yeah.~

If you really want to hear about it, it all started when I was sleeping, minding my own goddam business.  Then I hear this annoying voice  I couldn't ignore it either.  It was right in my goddam ear.  I hate it when people do that to me.

"Can the fate of Hyrule really depend on such a lazy boy?!"  It was that same girly voice.  Not the nice kind of girly voice, either.  Some girls just about knock you out with their goddam girly voices.  Not this one, though.

"Whaddaya want, for Chrissake?" I mumbled.  I was kind of hung over.

"The Great Deku Tree wants to see you!  Come with me!"

I hate it when the Deku Tree summons me.  I'm terribly allergic to pollen, and the Deku Tree is always pouring out pollen.  I'm not kidding.  Like a goddam fountain.

I opened my eyes, expecting to see some stupid kokiri girl standing there, waiting for me to climb out from under my covers.  Some of those girls are pretty damn perverted.  They don't act like it most of the time, because they don't want anyone to know, but you can just tell with some of them.  Anyway, I was pretty surprised when I saw a fairy floating right over my head, instead of some stupid pervert.  If there's one thing I hate, it's a pervert.

I didn't know it just then, but looking back I would rather it had been a pervert.

"My name is Navi," the thing said.  God, her voice was annoying.  Like goddam fingernails on a chalkboard.  "I'm going to be your partner, Link!"

I groaned.  I think she thought it was just because I was tired.  I _hate_ it when people can't take a hint.  Like this girl I know named Saria.  She's not a pervert, but she can never pick up on a goddam hint.  She'll just sit up here in my tree house and pry into my personal life for hours at a time.  No kidding.  _Hours_.

I got up and got dressed, and put on this green sock-cap I just bought the other day.  You should see it.  It looks a little corny, but there's something about it that kills me.  I looked in the mirror as I was leaving, just to see the cap bounce around.  It killed me.  It really did.

Old Navi wanted to go see the stupid Deku Tree right away, but I felt like scrounging around for some money first.  Some of those kokiri are pretty stupid about their money.  Hide it in the bushes.  Right in the goddam _bush_es.  After I found a few rupees in the bushes, I went over to the house by the path to the Deku Tree.  The two girls that live there always keep their money in these clay pots, and you can just take it from them when they're not looking.  I felt kind of bad doing it to them, because they're so nice and all, but I _was_ pretty hard up.

So when I had enough dough, I finally gave in to Navi and made up my mind to go see the Deku Tree.  But guess what?  Mido's right in the damn way, holding up his hand like he's a goddam cop.  Mido thinks he's the king of the whole damn forest.  Thinks he's pretty hot stuff.  But what an awful personality.  You can't kid him at all.

"Hey loser," he said in that god-awful nasal voice of his.

"Get out of the way, Mido," I said, as nicely as I could manage.

He pretended to think about it for a little bit.  He was such a phony bastard.  I suddenly felt like hitting him.  Right in his bastard mouth.  I couldn't though, because he kept a knife in his boot.  He wasn't supposed to, but he did.

"Why do you need to see the Deku Tree?" he asked.  God, I wanted to hit him so bad, right in his goddam stupid bastard mouth.

Instead, I told him that the Deku Tree had summoned me.  He didn't buy it.  That's the thing with morons like him.  The ones who take control by force, I mean.  They believe any goddam lie when it sounds good to them, but to hell with the truth.

Then I remembered this legend the kokiri had, about this little sword.  It was supposed to be hidden somewhere in the forest.  Nobody really believed it, but it was my only chance.  First I decided to get a shield, though.  It's kind of corny, I know, but it seemed appropriate.

So I go into the shop that's just across the pond and start shooting the bull with the shopkeeper.  He's a character.  You'd like him.  Always kids with you, but not too much.  Just enough to make you about die laughing once you realize he's kidding with you.  A real prince.  He even gave me a discount on a shield.  I got it for 40 rupees instead of 50.  See what I mean?  A real goddam prince.

It sounds a little corny to say it, but once I had my shield I felt pretty tough.  Like one of those knights you read about in the stories.  The funny thing is, I hate those goddam stories.  All those stupid damsels that can't do anything but sit on their asses and cry for help, and then they're submissive as hell.  No goddam minds of their own.  Like I said, I hate that phony crap, but here I was, one of the goddam knights from one of the goddam stories.  Life can be pretty funny when it wants to, I guess.  A real smart-ass.

I was just wandering around the forest when Navi sees this hole in a rock wall.  Tiny goddam thing, but she made me crawl though it anyway.  Women are like that.  They get this whiny voice, and then you're gone.  You can't help but do any goddam thing they say.

So I crawl through this little hole, which is really more like a goddam tunnel.  I'm no fan of tight places, either, but I liked the prospect of old Navi's goddam complaining even less.

When I finally got though the tunnel, I was in this weird sort of cave thing, only it had no roof.  I guess that means it wasn't really a cave, but I can't think of any better way to say it.  Anyway, just as I'm about to go have a look around, I hear this awful rumbling sound.  I looked around one of the corners, and, as luck would have it, a huge goddam boulder was rolling right toward me.  I thought I was basically screwed, because the wall on my right went straight ahead of me, so the boulder would hit and stop, right?

Hell no.  The thing gets an inch away from the goddam wall, then _turns_ ninety degrees and starts going off straight ahead of me.  Like the goddam Twilight Zone.

Anyway, I figured the safest place to be was behind the boulder, so I ran along behind it.  After it changed directions a couple more times- that really bothered me- I found this little place that, conveniently enough, had this big-ass treasure chest right there on a tree stump.  Let me tell you, that thing was hard as hell to open.  You never hear about the knights in those goddam stories having any trouble opening treasure chests.  That's why those goddam stories piss me off so much.  They're so phony it makes me want to puke.  That and the goddam girls with no brains.

So after an hour of really hard work, I finally got the damn thing open.  I was so exhausted I didn't even look inside.  I'm not kidding.  I took a goddam nap right after I got the damn chest open.

When I woke up, it was raining like a bastard.  Seriously.  Cats and dogs.  I hate the rain, so I was about to just go home and call it a day.  I was missing my goddam show and I really felt like getting drunk.  Scotch and water.  That's the stuff.

So just as I'm about to leave, old Navi flies right in my goddam face and reminds me that I never even looked in the chest.  I almost forgot about that, after all the goddam work I did to open the thing.  I swear I'm like a goddam madman sometimes.  Like the other week, old Saria and I were shooting the breeze in my tree house, getting drunk and all, and I told her I loved her.  I wasn't serious- I almost never am- but the scary part of it was, I _meant_ it when I said it.

But I was telling you about the chest that I spent all goddam day opening.  I looked inside, and I almost passed out.  Right then and there.  I almost fainted dead away on account of _it was the kokiri sword in the chest_!  Right under my goddam nose.  Sheath and all.  The first thought that occurred to me was kind of weird.  All of a sudden I wanted to go kill that stupid bastard Mido.  I'm not kidding.  He was such an asshole.  If I hadn't thought of the scotch and water waiting in my fridge at home, I would have killed the bastard that night.  Seriously.  He'd be dead as a goddam doornail, except that I _really_ wanted to get drunk.

So I did.  I really hold my drink very well, for someone my age.  I puked before I passed out on my balcony, but it wasn't because I had to.  I made myself.

I woke up the next day when Navi flew into my goddam eyeball screaming at the top of her goddam annoying lungs.  I really wasn't looking forward to seeing the goddam Deku Tree while I was still a little hung over, but old Navi didn't give me a whole lot of choice.

So I made myself another scotch and water, just to take the edge off my headache, and put on my green sock-cap.  Boy, did I get a helluva bang outa that hat.  After I got the cap just right, I went off in the direction of the Deku Tree.

I was pleased to see that Mido had anticipated me trying to see the Deku Tree again.  Still holding up his goddam hand, playing cop.  I didn't want to put up with his crap this time though, so right as I walked up to him, I did something totally crazy.  What I did was, all in one fluid motion that really surprised me, draw my sword and put him in a real tight headlock.  Then I held the sword right up to his bastard throat drew a little blood, and threw him down onto the goddam ground.  I kicked him a time or six, just to make my point, then sheathed the sword and walked off toward the Deku Tree all casual-like.  Suave as hell, I'm telling you.

I started sneezing my ass off as soon as I got into the goddam clearing.  The pollen was so goddam thick it seemed like yellow fog, for Chrissake.  So here I am sneezing like a bastard, eyes watering like a goddam faucet, stumbling along up the path toward the goddam Deku Tree.  I wasn't feeling so goddam heroic anymore, I can tell you _that_.

"The he-" I sneezed- "hell you wah-" I sneezed again- "want me for?" I asked.  My clothes must have been soaked from all that goddam sneezing.

"Listen thou well unto me, young Link," the Deku Tree said in that goddam phony dialect.  It was kinda cool, except that you knew _he_ knew it was cool, and that ruined the whole goddam thing.  "An evil man hath placed a curse upon me.  Verily, only thy immeasurable courage can save me from certain doom."

All I did was sneeze at him.  What the hell did _I_ care if he died?  He damn near killed me with all that goddam pollen of his anyway.  As I was about to find out, I didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter.

"What if I say no?" I asked between sneezes.

"Shouldst thou not choose to aid me willingly, I shall have no choice but to have Navi here annoy thee until thou change thy mind."

Damn.

[End chapter 1]

So how was that?  I'm pretty sure anyone who's already read _Catcher in the Rye _liked it alright, but what about you people who haven't?  Anyway, whether you have or not, please review!  I need all the feedback I can get!


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